Free your heart

don’t lose yourself.

kaman — Thu, 26 Jan 2012 14:41:38 +0000

been a while,

i’m here in this small space of mine.

not that i got nothing to say,

more of i don’t how to joint it down.

many mixture feelings,

many thoughts,

many things happened.

getting little tired to think how i feel,

feeling little unwilling to summarize, rethink how i thought.

oh and this entry, it’s been in the draft for the past month.

life has been good so far i guess?

traveled to India, a place where i wanted to go but never dare to.

partied hard, alcohol tolerance got better.

catch up with life and friends.

have been splurging.

applied for Hong Kong universities.

awaiting for good reverts from them.

planning to apply for Singapore universities as well.

waiting for June to come so i can quit my job.

prepare for my tattoo

and the list goes on.

life seems easier now,

with goals and tasks being completed.

but sometimes, i feel that i’m losing myself.

a part of me is no longer here,

or rather, i’m playing with fire again.

this fire seems wild and i may not able to handle it.

but who knows and why bother so much.

recently i have this enlightenment

how much you want it?

if you want it, just do it.

live life once, live beautifully.

no one knows what’s good or bad

or what’s ahead for us in the future.

at least at that point of time, you are happy with your decision

or rather you think you’re right about it

you’re going to just do it.

fuck life, it’s just once in a lifetime.

no regrets.

dear tattoo, i’m so going to get you.

那些年，我們一起追的女孩

kaman — Tue, 22 Nov 2011 16:39:27 +0000

This movie leaves a very deep impression.

I can totally related it back to the past,

the time when we were carefree, wild and young.

those times that we can never have it back

but yet all memories that we keep deep in our hearts.

也许在另外一个平行时空里，我们是在一起的。

you have been in my life since 16.

we grew up together

from a next door girl to someone you adore

from a normal girl to someone special to you

somehow i’m doubting i’m able to find another you

someone who shares almost everything similar to me

from food preference to dress style

someone who can read my mind easily

someone who gives in and understands me

i’m losing faith in love

for this moment, i know i’m not fully recover

i’m sorry, failed to be strong again.

all the best for you

i really need to escape from here.

我錯了。
如果你真的很喜歡一個女孩，
當她有人疼，有人愛，你會真心真意的祝福她。
永遠幸福，快樂。

是妳的幸福，為我們的青春找到最好的註解

hello stranger.

kaman — Sun, 13 Nov 2011 17:04:06 +0000

“not everything that fits perfectly, stays forever”

hey there, it’s been a while that we have spoken,

why do you have to appear in my life again?

whenever i recieved your whatsapp,

first thing came to my mind was

“why are you messaging me, are you not with her”

whenever i replied, i afraid of you reading it and do not response

so i always delete the conversation

not able to know whether you have read it or not

sometimes, i chose not to reply as well

maybe to you is trying to maintain our friendship

but to me, it seems like a spare tyre

whatsapp me when you’re not with her

no, i don’t want this

and i know i should not have such thought

ok. weird me.

friends around me have been telling me that i’m being very pessimistic,

negative about life.

not that i think life is not good/wonderful

just feel that the world is just like that

things happen for a reason

and nothing is prefect.

maybe this is a way of me protecting myself

not having any high hope in life,

just take it as like what it is

no disappointments, no sadness

just get use to what life is

time to do all my applications

HK universities, local universities and SIM

time to crack brain to “sell” myself to the universities.

regrets, no?

kaman — Thu, 10 Nov 2011 19:59:38 +0000

had a conversation with a friend.
was sharing photo of the set up of the event
but yet, it was not being appreciated.
“it’s just shifting of things and installing of lights”
that’s what I was told.
instantly i felt so insulted and pissed.
events to us, it is not just like this.
we take pride of what we do,
the sense of achievements that we got from events,
the sense of belonging when the structure installed
we plan, we build and we execute.
process may be hard but we are proud of the end product
perhaps what you said is right,
people like you, non-professionals will never understand
true enough, only us, who are in this line, can truly apprehend the joy and the pain.
thanks for the reminder,
for the past 1 year plus,
i learnt, i exposed to things that i never been, i gained useful knowledge
and not forgetting survival skills in life regarding work or self.
sometime i really wonder why am i doing all this,
because of my work, i missed out many things and neglected people around me.
but i guess it is too late to regret, not that i don’t have but life still goes on
at least for now, i know i have grow up, more mature/sensible.
and trying to adjust my temper and change the bad habits of mine.
no more “what if” and no one will know what is better
though i don’t know what’s ahead of me now,
i just got to enjoy every moments.
hope i can keep this positive thinking for long.

Play. Love.

kaman — Wed, 09 Nov 2011 21:04:29 +0000

drink, drank but no drunk.

with the amount of alcohol i had,

i’m surprised i did not knock out or even feeling high for long.

just did my usual thing, puked.

but still, i think my alcohol level improved.

perhaps it was the crowd or the new friends i made

i don’t feel like i had enjoyed myself.

but anyway, i’m glad that i did not breakdown and cry the shit out of myself

was that a sign? am i okay?

i don’t know.

saw your whatsapp when i’m in club.

really did not mean anything when i mentioned about removing photos.

just thought it was unfair to her.

why keeping photos of your ex, a love album of the past?

i know if you really do remove it, i will feel the pain.

but i guessed

this must be done so there are nothing left for me to hold on.

selfish perhaps you said

but at least you’re not alone now.

met up with pei shi, stayed over.

it’s been a while for us to HTHT.

only her, knows everything about me.

feel so freed to tell her anything and everything

she knows me the best and we are going through the same shit in life.

work. study. people.

life is hard but life still goes on.

CityUni is open for application.

went to create a new account today, tried to figure out how to apply.

due to the different education system,

it really did confuse me.

gave up for now, will do it this weekend.

4 years of study. i actually cannot wait.

i don’t want to work anymore.

i don’t want to be an adult.

so pray hard.

JIAYOU.

Last stop.

kaman — Mon, 31 Oct 2011 17:39:34 +0000

being in the hotel room,

comfortable and cozy setting.

sitting in front of the desk,

with just the table lamp on.

i do enjoy this moment,

it gives me a sense of peacefulness and comfort.

and thoughts/feelings start to flow in as well.

still remember how i ponder whether should i go for a holiday

as the return date will only be 29th

that means it i would miss it

hoping to do one last thing for you,

to give it a good closure.

well, my choice was to leave.

as someone told me this

“Do you really think she cares? Her special one will be doing something for her and who are you now? You will be heartbroken once again”

spot-on indeed.

that day, it really broke the smallest hope i have for “us”.

heard about the truth, cried right away.

trying my best to hide all those tears.

actually i do know that i need to let go long ago

i do know that this is sooner or later thing

but being me, i will not want to admit it until the fact literally hit me right on the face.

time to let go, i chose to leave.

sorry for this but hope you do understand how i feel.

reality is harsh, this painful feeling is real.

but i know i will be better in time.

no one can predict what will happen next,

so let’s follow the flow.

somehow, i no longer trust love and not even people around me.

really expect the unexpected.

damn, hate myself for being a weakling.

please don’t cry kaman, please don’t. my heart hurts that bit tonight.

This heart aches.

kaman — Sun, 16 Oct 2011 18:05:44 +0000

I never know that alcohols can make me crash badly.

Yes, badly.

Alcohol is the depressant that suppresses “feel happy” hormones in the brain,

once the feeling of “high” is gone, I’m gone as well.

Never feel so depressed and heart wrecked before.

And this is when i know i’m not okay.

Never know how i can actually hide my feeling well,

excellent enough to deceive myself.

I’m such a liar and good actor.

That night was crazy.

I drank much and partied hard.

Almost but never.

Glad in a way cause I know my friends are there for me.

Thanks but i’m sorry for being a failure.

Give me time, i’m really facing it now.

Shit happened after one another.

Mood was down back then, never put in efforts in planning the concert.

Injuries. Crazy thunderstorm. Death might happen too.

2nd time in my life that i feel that even i pray to GOD, no one will answer me.

Cause i’m a free thinker, which god am i talking to.

And i can never pay back a life, never.

i’m guilty for the incident that happened.

I should have prevent it but i failed too.

This guilt is too much for me to handle, broke down and cried.

Glad nothing serious but yet we would need to compensate.

Hope everything will be fine.

please be.

belated post. dated back 3 weeks ago.

Fly like a paper aeroplane.

kaman — Mon, 12 Sep 2011 16:25:37 +0000

BMW is finally over.

11th September, it marks the day.

Although there are some back-end stuffs to clear, at least the stress load is gone.

Client and colleagues said well done, good job.

But to me, it’s not.

Not very sure whether is it due to the high expectation that i set for myself

or because of all the mistakes and client’s complains during event make me feel this way.

Well, it’s over and this definitely add into my portfolio for sure.

Will learn from the mistakes and for the next event, i shall be more prepared and independent.

During this event, many things happened.

Well, i’m actually referring to my senior.

I know i should have handle my temper better and stay calm.

But yet, i let her have a chance to backstab me.

Not that i hate her but she is really pushing me to the edge.

Secretly (maybe not) i’m hoping that she will leave for sure.

I should be happy now, really.

cause event is over. yes event is overr.

i would like to share this joy with you but i know

it’s not going to be the same and i’m not able to do so.

by the way, checked on HK 2012 intake and i realized the university that is open for application does not have the course i want.

got to wait till November. long wait.

It’s mid September now. Time flies.

Got to be prepared for my next event.

ALL TIME LOW CONCERT.

Another new experience. Shall focus on this and don’t think of others.

Good Bye.

Meeting now, yup at 12.25am.

Paranoid Bitch

kaman — Sat, 03 Sep 2011 16:25:25 +0000

High expectation.

Yes i have high expectation of myself

and if i did not manage it well

it definitely backfire on me.

Everyday i am walking on a thin line

and suffering from weak heart.

I’m having a love-hate relationship with my work

I enjoy the satisfaction of the end product

but at the same time, hate it when i got to suffer and mindfucked

Event is nearing and i don’t seem to be prepared for it

Afraid of everything and anything that might happen

My emotion is unstable.

I can be happy for a moment and upset/worried at another moment

Just like now,

I was very angry that someone stole my converse shoe and havaianas slipper

and next minute, i was crying badly cause i realised

i lost another part of you in my life,

i lost the slipper that belonged to us.

I really behaving like a crazy bitch now.

Hate my life really but well, there is nothing i can do about it but just move on

Everything will end in a week time, 11th September I am looking forward to you.

Someone please give me the strength to keep on going

I need someone to guide me out of this

and i hope is you.

Take care my love.

If one day i’m gone for good, please remember me.

Venting Machine

kaman — Tue, 16 Aug 2011 12:41:03 +0000

Work is killing me now.

Especially after the company trip and the workload for BMW got heavier cause the event is nearing.

And working on a tight timeline and with changes every day, it’s really too stressed.

Well with the high expectation of my client and even for myself, I really feel like dying.

My heart is not helping me too.

I’m still learning how to let go

and i chose to face it.

I got to get used that the person with you now is her.

Asking about her but yet i’m scared,

at least i guess i’m making slight improvement.

My life is definitely not as bad if you would like to compare with others

but for now, i really need to vent about it.

I want to go study ): why end of year so long then come.

hurry open your entry and i shall apply now now now!

ARGH. okay, back to work.

\m/